F A I L E D .

The inevitable feeling at the end of burnout.

Today marks my 33rd revolution around the sun — and I’ve spent the last year and a half healing from a perpetual burn that I could not figure out how to douse.

Something that started as a slow, and low flame, that turned into this wildfire that left me in my bed as though I’d been through the trenches a few too many times.

I could not for the life of me understand it ‘cause I was sure I was doing all the right things — but the truth is, I was lying to myself — and avoiding the facts that were staring me dead in the eyes.

They say that becoming an Entrepreneur requires you to be a little delulu because the average person does not break out from the chains we are systemically born into. The problem is; when you allow your delusions of grandeur to supersede your ability to be safe, that’s when we have a problem.

I didn’t (and frankly, still don’t) know what the actual fuck I was/am doing.

I was making it up as I was going.

Even worse, I was not open to advice that was coming from some of my peers because I was in such a state of survival, that I couldn’t integrate anything that was coming my way. (That’s what I told myself, anyway.)

Break it down to put it back together. Break it down to put it back together. Break it down to put it back together. REPEAT. REPEAT. REPEAT.

Honestly that’s what the last few years has felt like; which really isn’t a bad thing because it’s led to a lot of growth — but sheesh I needed to actually STEP AWAY, to be able to look at it all with objective eyes again.

I’ve been chatting on my Threads about my experience working on my taxes. 😵‍💫

I’m a bit embarrassed to say that I hadn’t touched my taxes since I left the country to live in Mexico — and now I’m going through all of my emails since 2022 to get ahead of it, and let me tell you, the call was coming from inside the house.

Gosh.

You know, side note for a second, I’m frustrated because I let myself believe that I wasn’t making any difference in anyones lives. The story that was playing in my head was that I was a FAILURE.

I do know that story isn’t true, and tbh I did some soul searching to try and understand why that messaging became so prevalent in my subconscious.

Well..

Going through all my emails, the amount of correspondences with the subject line of “payment declined” literally stirred something so profound in me, I sat at my desk and just sobbed.

→ Two years worth of financial instability (read: ruin) after finally becoming debt free (with my safe, stable government job) & leaving everything behind to do this crazy thing like helping people develop themselves personally and fall in love with their uniqueness.

There’s this duality of experience where this crazy thing actually did materialize, and I got to work with some really fucking cool people from around the world — but it was all overshadowed by an incessantly repeating reminder: PAYMENT DECLINED.

So I burnt the eff out, and even now I can’t fathom opening a chart because my body goes into immediate executive dysfunction & my whole world comes to a screeching halt 😅.

Turns out there’s been a lot to unpack that I was unwilling (unable?) to accept before now.

First — and this is gonna be the most 1 Line thing of me to say: Don’t become an Entrepreneur until you actually have a foundation set in place before going in full-time.

Second — well the truth is for this second part, I still don’t necessarily have iron-clad clarity around it, but there are parts of my own individuality that I’d been homogenizing to ‘fit in’, that I’m now understanding is a big part of why I am incapable of sustaining the work I’ve been craving to do — with the models I’ve been doing them in.

I want to write: THIS IS WHAT I HAVE (insert reason)

My whole body knows it to be true —

I can’t do that, however, because I don’t have the official clinical diagnoses, and I want you to know that I take something like this seriously, and don’t throw it around because it’s ‘all the rage’; yet I’ve recently been medicated for ADHD, and as the days tick by, I have come to witness that the burnout I’ve been experiencing isn’t just any kind of burnout; it’s a burnout I believe to be associated with undiagnosed autism.

A lot of AuDHD folk have said to me: first came the meds, then came the realization that the ADHD was literally tricking them into thinking that they could do The Most™, but really behind the curtain was the undiagnosed ASD pulling the strings.

F U C K.

Stages of grief ensues.

My w h o l e life making sense in the most eerie of ways.

A mourning of the person that I’ve envisioned myself as.. the Patt that I’ve constructed in my head — and literally I mean constructed. A face I’ve been putting on as long as I can remember, knowing that the other face triggers quite a bit of discomfort in others (not realizing that it was literally a state of masking).

I shared to my Threads the other day: “How I know I’m successfully unmasking (at a snails pace, in a way that feels safe) is when people ask “what’s wrong??””

→ Nothing, I just turned off my face.

I’m burnt out not just from trying to be an Entrepreneur.

I’m burnt out from trying to be something that I was never designed to be.

It’s like learning Human Design all over again.

Except, despite a lack of diagnosis, I feel equipped to start back at my own foundation, and witness the areas that I’ve been pretending to Respond to, as a means to fit in, and allow myself to really break free of the psychosis that keeps me completely separated from my Life’s Work.

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What’s next for Patt?

I can’t yet commit to any kind of cadence of communication; nor can I commit to being able to fully deliver anything of value save for the insights you might gain from my ramblings at this time (you’ll find me yapping on Threads, mostly).

My desire is to come back and share the lessons I learn as I chip away at the old wallpaper and discover what is at the essence of my being to share with you. I’m just not there, yet.

It’s going to be a bit of a SELFish time for me to get back to a space of selfLESSness.

→ I just want to create the space with absolutely no judgement — if after reading all this you feel like disconnecting from future communications, I totally get it.

There’s no worries what-so-ever.

If you choose to hang a bit longer, thank you — it means the world.

That’s it from me for now!

P.S: Just know, I am seeking the professional supports to help me get to the other side of this valley — and that despite the symptoms of burnout, I am not a victim by any means and absolutely give myself as much grace as possible to go through this experience with love. Please feel free to reply / dm me anytime if you’re curious about anything, I’ll respond within 3-7 business days (months?) 🤣🤣🤣 <3

Warmly,
Patt